Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
