8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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