At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
