my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
