This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
