you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
