I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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