just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
