this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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