I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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