she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
