Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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