well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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