hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
