we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
