Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
