Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
