he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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