literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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