found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
