I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
