he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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