I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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