I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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