Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
