Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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