i think my tv is drunk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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