Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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