hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
