So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize