Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize