found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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