This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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