I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
