Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
