fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
