ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
