cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
