i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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