dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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