a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
