i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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