I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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