good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
