omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
