I just pynch a tree in the face
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
