My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
