Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Randomize
