peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
