god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
