I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
