Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
