Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
50% drunk capacity currently
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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