After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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