Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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