it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sorry my hands just texted you
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
PANTIES FOUND
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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