No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
