so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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