I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
