dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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