my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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