In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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